Looking Forward

Taking a hard look — forward & back // March, 2021

Anyone who knows me well understands that, over the years, I’ve encountered my fair share of rough seas — and have spent a lot of time and energy enduring unexpected hardships and correcting collision courses of my own making.

Those same people would also likely note that I usually deal with these things without much talk and at least an attempted smile. More specifically, I always try to shrug things off and look on the bright side. And while that might be a more pleasant outward manner of dealing with my reality, it’s also undoubtedly my tragic flaw.

Put simply, there’s a lot left on the inside that has no place to go, and ultimately that manifests itself in ways I sometimes can’t control.

It took me a long time to realize this, but when Dorthe died a few months ago, it became glaringly apparent that it was time to address my demons — if for no other reason than to give Kristian and Naia a fighting chance in a world that I know is sometimes cruel.

Knowing changes needed to be made, there are still some things about myself that I know won’t ever change — and I’ve learned to be okay with them, too.

For one, I don’t really like to talk which makes me socially awkward in certain settings. If you know me well, I might talk your ear off, but outside of a small circle of friends, I actually go out of my way to avoid conversation. Over the years, it’s made a lot of people think I’m aloof or pin me as a loner, but small talk is honestly just something I hate — and therefore don’t force myself to do. On the flip side, this also means that talking to friends about feelings and problems isn’t really an option for me.

For periods of my life, alcohol was a good remedy to sooth this shortcoming, but for the past six months I haven’t had a sip. Truth be told, it had become more of a problem and less of a prescription. So, as a substitute — and moving forward — my plan is to commit to expressing myself through writing, photography, and other creative disciplines as a more sustainable and organic form of therapy.

And for those of you who read my current COAST post, this website serves as my first real, clearly organized spinoff. If COAST has been my band, this is my solo project.

But without a band or brand — like COAST — to tie ideas and aesthetics together and ultimately present them in a pretty package, the goal and outcome of my personal portfolio will be to have a more raw, unfiltered, and experimental platform that is mostly for my own well-being.

But it also serves another purpose.

And that is to highlight the growth and progress of Kristian and Naia — my two biggest sources of inspiration and my most consistent subjects to document.

In the days following their mom’s unexpected passing a few months ago, there was a lot of quiet talk about whether I could handle bringing them up on my own. I could sense it, and close friends confided in me about the whispers. Most of it was probably just people looking out for the best interests of the kids while knowing that being a single parent is just really hard — but some of it was more an acknowledgment and response to my past tendencies and freewheeling lifestyle.

So, for those of you who fall into that category, this one’s for you, too.

If there’s one constant I’ve lived by in my life it’s that things can get better and that people can change. And there’s no bigger believer in me than me. Except maybe Kristian — he’s always got my back. The jury is still out for Naia.

To tie this all together, I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom and reassurance that I got from one of Dorthe’s best friends — someone who I had grown apart from over recent years, but recently reconnected with. She wrote to me a few weeks ago and mentioned that she enjoyed and appreciated reading my updates about the kids, before going on to say “when you own your story, you get to write the ending”.

So, for now, I’ll keep writing my story — while looking forward to a happy ending somewhere down the road.